I find them fascinating.
What causes two people to notice each other?
What is it that inspires one to approach the other?
Why does it work?
Why doesn't it?
Why does it last?
Why doesn't it?
What about mistakes?
What about ideals?
I never liked algebra, but all of the variables involved in the relationship just between two people, is a type of math I would study.
This means that I read and watch everything. The minute a new documentary on Netflix comes out about relationships (chemistry of, psychology of, sociology and...) I'm all over it. The same goes with articles, books, and yeah, some trash TV (because I believe that knowing anything means being aware of what other people are hearing about it as well). One of my favorite shows around this topic is Millionaire Matchmaker. In this show, Patti Stanger -a third generation matchmaker- helps millionaires find love. An episode entails meeting the client, tweaking him as a person (wardrobe, lifestyle, she once even made a guy move before she would take him as a client), she then rounds up a bunch of women and he attends a mixer (meets 10 different women that fit his type), picks two to have a mini date with, then he picks one for the master date. Then happily ever after most of the time. (The woman seemingly has zero say in this until after the master date). I recently found out that Patti authored some books. Download them? I certainly did.
(Disclaimer, this book was written about women seeking relationships with men. The entire book is about the roles women and men play as opposite forces. To my friends in all other kinds of relationships, this book was not written with you in mind at all. The first of many problems I have with this book.)
That being said, you're probably feeling mislead by the title of this post.
What does this have to do with men?
I'm writing this post as a reaction to this book because I like men. I don't think they're simple, misleading, slimy, one-track-minded, or misogynistic, at least not in real life, not generally. There will always be exceptions. But they're that. Exceptions.
This book; Become Your Own Matchmaker, is a book written for women, on how to find a husband. There's a common tone throughout that, if you don't believe what she's writing, and you're single; that's why. She actually says at one point "Some women actually believe in equality. If you're one of them, and you're reading this book, how is that working out for you?" The part that angers me the most, is that none of this is written with any trace of humor. Thus isn't "The Ugly Truth" where Gerard Butler and Katherine Heigel make a mockery of what it takes to attract a man. That's a comedy. It's not meant to be understood as instructional. Which is why I think it's hilarious. No, Patti's book is written with the utmost sincerity. I've chosen a couple of my favorite passages to highlight for you. Ladies reading this; be prepared for a nauseous feeling in your gut. Guys reading this; I hope this offends you.
"...the package gives the first impression of all the glory that is you. I hate to say it, but with men, it's all about the packaging- one look is all it takes for them to decide if you're a keeper, or if you should be tossed back. This may sound crude, but they're measuring your "fuckability factor."
Is there science to back up that men are more visually stimulated than women? Definitely. But to say that all it takes is one look? I've had many guy friends ask me about their relationships. I know for a fact that it isn't that simple.
When discussing which shoes to buy (I'll give her this; she's thorough).
"Four inch heels are the new standard."
As someone who does't mind wearing heels, I had to read this sentence twice. First, four inch heels look ridiculous in real life. Also, I can't imagine anyone wants their date to be in that much pain.
Collecting "Dating Data"
In this section, Patti explains that before going on "tons of dates" you should make a list of all the restaurants you want to try, places you want to see, and things you want to do. Ok, I can appreciate wanting to try new things, and wanting to make cool memories on dates. I get that, Plus, you don't have to try to come up with an answer when you're deciding what you want to do. However, it felt a lot like women were supposed to make lists of all the things they wanted, and dates with men were just the vehicles to get them there. Want to try that new expensive restaurant? Wait until a guy comes along who will pay for it!
This brings us to the whole money thing.
Let me explain first where I'm coming from. I was raised in such a way that I'll never need a husband in order to survive. I don't think I realized until early in high school that it was expected of guys to pay for things like dinner and movie tickets. I was brought up with the term "going dutch" (that each pays for their own). So I've never been one to just assume that the guy would pay. Back to Patti.
"She who touches money gives off masculine energy, so you can't physically touch cash before his eyes or whip out the plastic to pay the check. Why? Because as I've noted, the man is the hunter, the woman is the gatherer, and the man is supposed to provide for the woman."
Some of you reading this may have traditional values when it comes to the topic of dating etiquette and money, and I'm not saying that's bad at all! I don't care, do what you want. It's when we're telling women that the only way they'll be "dating material" is if they are traditional, that I have a problem.
Now, if you're a guy reading this, and you believe as I do, that things like bills are ok to split, Patti has something to say about that as well. She has a script written out ; a response for a woman to give to a man who asks or hints at wanting a more financially level situation.
The woman should respond: "You have every right to feel the way you do, but I'm a traditional girl, and I don't feel comfortable paying for dates. I will understand if you would like to date someone else who will." First, women, would any of you actually say this? I can't think of a single one of my friends who would. Second, men, what would your reaction be to something like this? Have you ever come across this? I mean, obviously I've never been a man on a date, so I'll need some outside information.
When it comes to how often/when to call him.
Short answer, Patti says that a woman shouldn't call a man. That even if the guy were to text hey; "Hey, can you give me a call?" She should respond; "I'm a traditional girl. I prefer you to call me." However, my favorite point was: "You never want to be seen as an interruption or a burden, and you have no way of knowing when he's really ready to speak to you unless he calls you."
Ahhhh! What? First, people are not burdens. Ads on youtube are burdens, remembering to put gas in your car, or to take your medications... those are burdens. Guys, quick note, a lot of ladies are petrified of being burdens. Patti isn't helping this.
Second, this entire statement works both ways. Guys, you have no way of knowing when she's really ready to speak to you unless she calls you. (She could be vacuuming or pressing your slacks...). This is what voice mail is for.
I'll leave you with one more. This is number 11 of her "Ten Commandments for Dating." (The annoyance of everything that is wrong with this is not lost on me.) "If you wear too much jewelry on your dates, he won't have anything to buy you!" Because when you're getting ready to go on a date, among the nerves, it makes perfect sense to consider "Wait... I have to leave him freedom to buy me things!"
Conclusion; I understand that Patti wrote this book with a specific audience in mind. These are women who will do whatever it takes to find her husband and get engaged. The book says that if you follow the steps, you'll meet him and have an engagement ring within a year.
You won't be yourself anymore... but what do you want? A husband or an identity?
Call me crazy, I believe we should hold out for both.
Guys, I hope you're angry that this is what is being said about you, on your behalf.
Then again, if I'm wrong, let me know. If Patti seemingly has all the answers, then say so.
Women, this is what's out there. I'm thankful that this isn't all that's out there, but a lot of women do look to these kinds of materials for answers. To know that these are the answers they're getting, makes me sad, frustrated, and really disappointed.
What's the worst dating advice you've ever received?
Thanks for reading!
You're more beautiful than you know,
More talented than you think,
and more loved than you could ever imaging.