I think when these things happen, that's when we have the hardest times moving on. When you don't completely understand why you left in the first place, it's difficult to completely emotionally leave.
But then it happens. One day, it becomes crystal clear. Maybe you're looking back at an memory, or maybe it's something that just happens out of the blue, but all of a sudan, you realize just what everyone else saw.
This actually happened to me. Just now. I'm not going to lie, it may have picked a couple of the scabs that are still present on my ever-healing heart. I felt my heart sink a little as I realized that "let's still be friends" was a niieve concept, and that it was something I no longer wanted. I'm not sure if the flaws in his personality were better covered up by subtleness or my everyone-is-actually-truly-good outlook on people. Either way, it was just completely made evident to me what I was holding onto.
Of course this makes me sad. I mean, this is a feeling I've known, a feeling I've kind of felt comfort in, for the last 4 years. But I won't cry. I've already shed too many tears over this individual and the repercussions of what we once had. I can best explain it like this. When I first realized I loved this person, it placed this chain around my heart with a very heavy, iron padlock. This weight has been present there ever since, because I had never felt that way about another individual. I was sure that the moment I met someone else, and felt that feeling again, the lock would just be replaced. However, maybe that wasn't it at all. Because, after this last hour, I feel like the chain is finally gone. Maybe it had to fall before I became open to let someone else that close. Either way, I know this is a good thing.
Before, my feelings for this person would sway between friendship, regret, love, and loss. There was never hatred, but there was some anger and resentment. Basically, there was just a lot of energy focused on those emotions. But it's weird, now all I can think is, yes, we had history. I'll never forget what we had, and I learned a lot from it. But I'm so excited to finally be free.